


I'm Caught

by HolaCarmilla (LilyHoncho)



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hollstein - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 15:45:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4397750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyHoncho/pseuds/HolaCarmilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hollstein - 2.5k words. Picks up from S2:EP15 because we all know that there is just so much angst and emotion to be anticipated. I couldn’t deal, so I of course had to write a fic about it. This strays from canon because we’ve yet to know what’s going to happen, this is just my take one one possibility. (Written whilst listening to HBHBHB.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Caught

     “I’m done.” 

     The words echoed in Laura’s head now, frown placed upon her solemn lips slipping that tighter each time she found herself repeating it. It felt so surreal - watching Carmilla walk away, when leaving the room felt like it truly meant leaving her life - leaving  _her_. The first night was rough, spent curling further into herself on one leather piece of furniture she’d gotten far too used to sharing with Carmilla as she tried in vain to cry away a pain she couldn’t quite explain. Her emotions, maybe even her very soul felt raw, sore, bared to the whole world and vulnerable. Laura would never admit it, but she felt almost incomplete. She was a mess at first, and Carmilla’s informal goodbye was ruining her from the inside out with each dark and uncomfortably quiet minute that passed in her absence. 

Her friends were trying their best, it was true. If Laura hadn’t been so caught up in her mourning she would’ve thanked them all for their sympathy. LaFontaine was doing their best to be supportive in a distant, careful sort of way - the most effective, she found. Perry had mostly let Laura be, which she didn’t really mind. Hell, even Danny was doing her best, no doubt setting aside what ever resentment she might’ve still held for Carmilla so that she was wholeheartedly able to be there for Laura, if even only as a shoulder to cry on. 

And cry she did. From evening straight into the night. She did all of the predictable things that one in love, one who’d lost would do. What little time wasn’t spent with salty, warm tears slipping down washed out cheeks was spent in that lonely silence, no matter how many other people were in the room. It all felt lonely without Carmilla, _her_ Carmilla, who should’ve been there beside her. But then again - Carmilla wasn’t really _her’s_ anymore, now was she? The realization stung almost as much as her leaving had. She was beginning to get sick of the feelings that heartbreak had left her with. 

By now everyone was feeling sorry for her, and Laura knew it well. It wasn’t a nice feeling, knowing that everyone around you knew most if not all of the drama and conflict that led to your split with what could easily be described as your first _real_ heartbreak. Was it love? If this was what losing someone you didn’t quite know if you loved felt like, Laura didn’t want to imagine what anything stronger would feel like. But if she was honest with herself, Laura didn’t really think feelings could get much stronger than what she had begun to feel for Carmilla. Maybe it had even _been_ love. Whatever it had been, it felt as good as gone now. 

It _was_ gone. Gone, until the woman who’d walked away with what felt like a good portion of her heart and soul came back with as much disinterest and indifference as she’d ever seen, all held against her. 

Thankfully, she wasn’t as bad off on her emotions the day Carmilla returned as she had been when she’d only just left. Laura couldn’t stand the idea of giving Carmilla that kind of satisfaction, the amusement of knowing that she might’ve broken another young girl’s heart with her denial of whatever puppy love they’d shared. Did they share it? It was starting to feel awfully one sided. Then again, leaving someone behind had a tendency to do that. 

“ _Hey_. You came back.” the words felt weak as they left her mouth. Laura tried her best to keep the swirl of emotions that came rushing into her in check. One part frustration and two parts longing wasn’t necessarily the best ratio of emotions to be showing to someone you hadn’t seen in over twenty-four hours. “I wasn’t sure if you were gonna come back.” 

The sharp way of speaking she’d grown used to - also grown to miss, hit her ears with an intensity when Carmilla abruptly answered. “Of course I’m back.” the painfully direct reply stung, if only just a little. “This is my mother’s apartment and I stole it _fair and square_.”

Laura couldn’t help a sigh. Of course Carmilla would be bitter, this _was_ Carmilla after all. “That’s not what I meant.”

“ _Oh!_ Yeah, I know what you meant.” Add sarcasm to the list of things Carmilla was _using against her_ now. “But if you and your knight and shining gym shorts over there need more space then-” a scoff, a soft one that made Laura’s shoulders tense for a moment. “you can find another room.” Those long arms that used to wrap around her slipped up to rest defensively on jean-clad hips. 

“Okay, _one_ : there is nothing going on with Danny and me.” of course she and Carmilla’s first conversation in what felt like forever would end up with Laura having to explain herself. “And _two_ : all of my broadcasting equipment is here, _so…_ if you don’t wanna watch me talk to my friends who actually _care_ about the school and wanna _help_ me, then you can find another room.” If Carmilla could be bitter, so could Laura. 

“Dream on, creampuff. I’m not going anywhere.”

This was bound to go nothing short of nowhere. Bickering never led to anything constructive - besides having been Carmilla and Laura’s main means of interaction when they’d first met. This was feeling awfully _similar_ to when they’d first met. Had their short time together meant nothing? Laura knows it meant something to her, no matter the poor terms they’d fallen into. “Well, neither am I.”

“Fine with me. There’s plenty of space.” and with that, Carmilla took a seat, Laura finally allowing herself to release a hard breath she wasn’t aware she’d even been holding. The silence that followed Carmilla’s latest sentiment was deafening. With a huff, Laura took a few steps back, letting tense legs buckle to lead her back to sit down on the leather sofa. Her arms slipped into a tight lock against her chest, crossed and distant just like she was beginning to feel around the other girl. 

“So that’s just that?” Laura wasn’t sure why she said anything else, why she decided on basically instigating Carmilla even further. “You leave without giving me a chance to say my piece, and then you’re just gonna come back and be like - _this_?” Her arms freed themselves from against her chest to gesture loosely with one arm, swung out towards the other. 

“Like what?” She perks a sculpted brow, dark eyes shifty and inconsistent with where they stare. “I just don’t think it’s fair that you get this place all to yourself. I shouldn’t be the one who has to keep away just because we aren’t getting along. That’s _hardly_ fair.” 

Hearing their break up simplified to ‘not getting along’ certainly made Laura stiffen, but it didn’t stop her from speaking more. “Carm, this isn't about the _room_!” she was frustrated - mad with the whole situation, and it had already begun to show. 

Carmilla didn’t have anything witty or uninterested to say to that, which made Laura’s face stretch into a frown. Carmilla’s own features seemed to soften with the words, gaze shifting to some far corner of hardwood floor. It was silent, if only for a moment longer, before Carmilla spoke up, contrastingly quiet compared to how they’d been interacting just moments before. “ _Laura_ , I don’t want to talk about this.”

Laura noted how sour it felt to hear her name fall from the other girl’s lips. It didn’t hold the same adoration and love that Carmilla uttering it used to hold, and that itself was sobering enough to render her speechless for a good while. 

Neither of them looked at each other; they couldn’t. After all, this was nearly a month’s worth of unspoken conflict and tension finally rearing it’s ugly head. It was long overdue, and yet neither could really bring themselves to address it. Well, save for the messy way it had come up the other day. 

Laura couldn’t stand the silence for much longer, though, and only minutes later she spoke up again. “I’m sorry, Carmilla.” It was a weak apology, maybe in part due to the fact that Laura didn’t know what she was really apologizing for. That alone was enough to make Carmilla’s head hang forward and her carefully painted black polished fingers to support the motion. 

She let out a ragged sigh. “That doesn’t _mean_ anything to me, creampuff.” it was a weak admission, spoken without much conviction. Laura couldn’t see Carmilla’s eyes from where her head hung, and that worsened the pull she felt at her heart for both herself and Carmilla. The nicknames weren’t helping with how surreal this all felt, either. 

“I don’t know what you want from me.” Laura said it bluntly, and it was true. She was beginning to think that the ideals she held Carmilla to weren’t true, though. It was disappointing, to say the least. 

“What I wanted was to be _loved_. Hell, to be _accepted_.” _at least by you._ Carmilla lifted her head at her own words, and it drew Laura’s eyes to hers almost immediately. “But I think it’s pretty clear that all you’re capable of doing is putting me up on some pedestal of what you want your perfect little girlfriend to be like - but damn it, that isn’t _me_!” her hands slam down into the upholstery she sits atop, muscles straining in her neck along with her words. If Laura looked closely, she could see the hot tears building in Carmilla’s eyes. This was burning her up inside, but _slowly_. 

“Carmilla, that isn’t true.” Laura doesn’t expect her voice to come out as shaky as it had, or for her eyes to mirror Carmilla’s own in how foggy with tears they’d become. “You have to know that isn’t true.” 

“That’s the thing-” Carmilla whispers, having to physically force herself to look to the floor once more, willing herself not to cry, not to show weakness in front of the one person who expects her to always be strong. She’s supposed to be the strong one. “I’m not so sure it isn’t.”

“Carm…” Laura didn’t dare fight her tears at this point, they were rolling out with a swiftness, hot and heavy against her burning cheeks. She thought she was done crying over Carmilla, but she was coming to realize that she probably never would be. 

“ _Jesus Christ_ , Laura. You never even said you loved me! I’m just-” one firm hand against her chair’s cushion lifts to wipe at angrily red eyes, swiping away tears before they have a chance to fall. “I’m just expected to sit here and be some - some fool in _love_ , just completely whipped and willing for whatever feat you wanna put me up to next.”

“You were supposed to love me enough to be good. You were supposed to _want_ to be better, for _me_.” she was speaking through sobs now, shoulders sagging with each pitiful syllable she spoke. 

“Laura, that’s not how love works! _Damn it_ , you- you…” shaky fingers rise up to run through dark hair that’s pulled back, Carmilla forcing herself to sit up just that little bit straighter. “You don’t get to choose how things are _supposed_ to be. You just deal with what you’ve got and make the most if it. There’s-” Carmilla sighs, and it’s firm. “it’s not all _happy endings_ and fucking _fairy tales_.” 

“I never said it was.” 

“No, but you expect it to be. You want perfect, and I’ve told you- I’ve always made it _clear_ , that isn’t me. The things I did, I did them for _you_ , not because _oh_ , all of the sudden this _centuries old vampire_ had some _change of heart_. I did what I did because I wanted you _safe_. I did whatever I had to do to make sure that you were okay, because I _loved_ you.”

“But you don’t anymore?” She feels pathetic asking, but Laura’s far too gone at this point to worry about what the other thinks of her. She’s clutching at fallen pieces here, desperately trying to fit them together to some semblance of what things used to be. She’d give _anything_ to have things back to how they used to be. 

“No, Laura. I _don’t_.” It’s sent out through gritted teeth, Carmilla unable to look the other in the eyes as her gaze falls to her fingertips, anxiously picking at one another. “I loved the girl that I thought loved me, but I don’t think she was ever real. I don’t think any of what you had me believing you felt was real. I was just some pawn in your _game of good_. I don’t wanna be a part of that anymore.” 

“ _Carmilla…_ ” Laura whines it, but she can’t help it. “Please don’t say that.”

“No, no…  I have to, because if I don’t say it, you won’t ever believe it. I don’t actually know if you’ll ever admit it to yourself, but you _never_ loved me. You loved your idea of me, but that _idea_ was never real. It was never real and neither was any of this. That’s why it wasn’t going to work. That’s why I’m saying it’s done. It _is_.” Carmilla repeats it to herself in her head;  _It’s done._ She has to repeat it to herself because she knows that there’s some part of her deep down that _doesn’t_ believe it, or maybe just doesn’t want to. But she has to believe it, because it’s _true_.

It’s true, and there’s no changing that, no matter how much Laura’s tears pick up, no matter how hard she cries and whimpers to herself, no matter how hard it is to watch as Laura pulls her knees to her chest and Carmilla can’t help but look away again. Hearing how hard Laura cries for this, this lost false love, makes Carmilla cry softly herself, eyes cast down low to her lap. She won’t cry as hard as Laura is now, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t hurting. She _is_ hurting. She’s _more than_ hurting, because _damn it_ , this is Elle all over again except this time it’s _worse_. This time she feels like she’s left with even less of herself than she’d _come in_ with. _One girl_ shouldn’t matter so much to her. 

She _shouldn’t_ , but she _does_. 


End file.
